I am so tired this morning.  It is 4:02 and I can't sleep.  I have a lot going on right now and part of it is I have let some things slip away some for about a week.  One of those things is getting my bills done, which I can catch up on easy enough, another is my apartment is pretty trashed because I have just been in and out a lot.  I feel completely unorganized in it, and I don't like that feeling.  And the biggie is my one class, I am so far behind it's not funny.  I focused on the one and didn't do very well with this one.  I don't know how to manage my time well when it comes to work and school and it's really got me feeling overwhelmed a lot. 

Also, I am trying to get my office together where it's functional and where I know where things are and that has been taking more time than I like.  Anyway, I'm off to Dunkin Donuts to meet Joe for coffee, which should be nice.  Last night I went to play pool with a guy named Lenny that I met dancing last weekend and that was ok.  We'll see where it all goes, God is in charge.  Have a good day everyone.  I have to work this morning and then I have class this afternoon.

Love, Tina

I don't know what is going on with me today.  I feel depressed, sad, and lonely.  I woke up at 10am, which was really 9am because of the time change and thought about going to church, even got dressed to go but decided to stay home instead.  I didn't want to be around people this morning.  Also, I got a lot that I have to do this afternoon.  I am meeting with my sponsor between 2-3pm in Farmington to keep working on the 12-steps and then she asked me if I want to go to a play that is featuring Edgar Allen Poe's poetry...I guess there is going to be 3 different poems featured.  It will be nice.  I like spending time with my sponsor because she is a healthy, positive woman who is looking to God for guidance and direction so she isn't living her life frugally (not sure that's a real word, haha?).

I went to the office yesterday to shampoo the rug and when I got out of my truck Russell drove by and waved, but I didn't wave back.  I am not happy with the way that he treated me.  I'm wondering if seeing him has anything to do with the way I feel today?

Also, I miss Ron a lot these days.  But what strikes me odd about this time is I don't want back what he is offering.  I miss certain times we shared together such as riding on the harley and him reaching back and touching my leg, or when we went to the movies and he rubbed my feet all the way through the entire movie, or the way he would look at my body and want me, or when he would fix my car no matter what was wrong with it.  Things like that I truly miss but I don't miss being called a whore, slut or cunt.  I don't miss him grabbing my body and saying that certain body parts were his, or his anger and depression towards other people and things that got taken out on me, or his flirting with other women even though I was present, or his lying, or when he would question and accuse me of things I hadn't done, or the fact that emotionally he beat me up because of something I had done over 5 years before, or when he would get mad and tell me he was going to fuck other women that he had picked out, or that one of the women I sponsor telling me that he had been cheating on me in AA.  I seriously don't miss any of those behaviors and that is just the tip of the iceberg, there were so many things, both small and big that he did to hurt me. 

I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel grief all the time.  The sense of loss is huge in my mind and body, it is something I have lived with all my life because of all the trauma I endured.  I want to get to a point in my life where I don't feel like I have to search anyone out, men, in order to feel ok within!  I want to ultimately rely and trust in God for all my needs but I'm not quite there.  Whenever I feel lonely I start searching out atmospheres that are not conducive to a healthy lifestyle as well as men that I'm not at all interested in.  I want something, anything in those lonely moments to ease my pain when the reality is, God can and will if I sought Him out for relief.  I know all this intelluctually but doing it seems to be my problem at times.  I convince myself that my behaviors in any given moment are ok.  However, all the stuff I gravitate to just continue to leave me feeling empty inside, nothing that I use to relieve the pain has any depth or weight to it.  No substance that will carry me through.

When will this pain or feeling of overwhelming loss end?  I want it to end now.  Can you hear the addict mind in there?  God has been good to me, He has been giving me strength and the ability to work and make the money necessary to take care of myself so I don't have to rely on anyone, men.  God has given me peace of mind every time I have asked for it.  God has put certain people in my life that have helped me along this journey.  God has given me a wonderful boss and career.  He has given me the ability and the knowledge necessary for me to go back to school.  I'm grateful for all He has done for this sinner.  In reality, I know I don't deserve the goodness I have but it's through God's grace that He gives me mercy.  I love God, and I want to get to a point in my life where God is my one and only focus for all I do in life.  Not that I can't live my life to the fullest but I want God to be my main focus.

Ok, I guess I have rambled on enough, I just have this need to get it out.  I erased a lot of my past posts because I didn't want to constantly see them.  Brought up to much emotion!  Have a good day everyone, feel free to comment!  Also, I posted the following pictures of me at my office yesterday shampooing so this is my office before, and I will post pictures of my office later.

 

   

I deleted my facebook and myspace account today!  I realized that some people that are connected to Ron are getting information about me that I don't want them to have.  Ron's ex-wife Jenn IM'd me on facebook this morning and it felt terrible, I felt sick to my stomach afterward.  It was awful!  I don't want any connection to Ron because it just sets me back! 

I have decided I would just continue posting here in my journal because only a select few have access here so I won't have to be worried about my personal information getting out to anyone.

I hope everyone has a good day today...Happy Halloween to anyone that celebrates this holiday!

I thought I would say hi to everyone. I am doing better than I was but physically I am struggling. My neck and shoulders are holding some tension, hoping I can get it taken care of soon. I am checking in through my cell phone so i will write more later when I'm not laying on ice and can sit at the computer. Hope everyone has had a blessed weekend.

Everyone that knows me is aware that my son wasn't talking to me  because I confronted him about some unhealthy behaviors he had going on in his life.  I didn't hear from him for about a month, which really hurt a lot!  I felt so sad not talking to him.  Well, he contacted me yesterday  and apologized for his abusive words and we got together last night to shoot pool and he came and slept over my house and watched the movie "Obsessed" with me.  We were up until 2:30am, boy was I tired but it was worth it!

My son has decided to go in the navy and at first I thought, oh God but the more I think about it, the more I realize discipline is exactly what he needs to change his life around probably.  I hope he takes the steps necessary to get into the navy so that he can get his life on a different track.  I love him so much that it hurts me to see him struggle but I know that is how he is going to learn and grow as a person.  I have to accept where he is and just love him unconditionally!

I haven't spoken to Ron since the day I broke up with him and it's somewhat painful but I have to walk through this.  I have to get over this guy once and for all.  The relationship is/has been so toxic.  I want to heal and be comfortable by myself.  I want to somehow break the energy field that seems to keep him and I connected.  It's not healthy for me to continue living the way I have with him.  I know this intellectually but it's hard to know emotionally because my heart is involved.  I'm sure anyone reading this who has been there will understand what I'm saying.

The other big thing I'm attempting to do now that Ron isn't in my life is come off sleeping pills!  The withdrawal from them is really hard to go through physically because it causes a lot of anxiety in my body but I just don't want to have to depend on them anymore to sleep, I want to sleep naturally because they make me feel dizzy during the day too.  The side effects from medications can be terrible.  I will get through all this. 

Ryan just left and I'm grateful he's in my life again.  Continue to pray for him everyone because he needs it.  I will write more later today!   The following pictures are of my son Ryan...I just love him!

    

To be continued...

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED 

 I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night. 

 He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...' 

 I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in. 

 He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult. 

 He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them. 

 I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? 
 
 Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed. 
 
 The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. 
 
 He does not seem dissatisfied. 
 
 He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. 
 
 He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores. 

 And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go! ' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. 

 His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. 

 And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. 

 He doesn't know what it means to be discontent. 

 His life is simple. 

 He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be. 
 
 His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. 

 He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. 

 He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others His heart is pure. 

 He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.. 

 Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God. 

 Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion. 

 In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. 

 It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions 

 It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap . I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care 
 
 Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God. 
 
 And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed. 

  Kevin won't be surprised at all!